Fictional Fighting at its Finest
Oct 27, 2008Comments

Star Trek: Kirk’s Crew vs. Picard’s Crew

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Ground rules: The combatants are as follows: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty and Checkov versus Picard, Riker, Worf, La Forge, and Data. This is an old fashioned brawl, no phasers allowed. I also want to clear up one discrepancy between the two series involving the Kiligon race. The old TV show depicted them as basically human (probably for budget reasons) and had episodes were every member of the crew could easily hold their own in a fight with one. This fight will use the modern depiction of Kligons.

Personal bias: My favorite movies feature Kirk’s crew while my favorite series feature Pacard’s. I guess that makes this a wash.

Fight! McCoy, Scotty and Checkov have are nothing special alone, but they watch each other’s backs and have more experience brawling the your average Starfleet officer. Their best chance is to act as a berserking group and take out who they can early. La Forge is targeted first. Scotty and lays into him with all his weight and La Forge is floored. Riker comes to his aid, assaulting Scotty. Riker is formidable and could take Scotty one-on-one, but Checkov grabs him from behind allowing Scotty to pummel him. La Forge starts to come to only to be greeted by McCoy’s fist.

Meanwhile…Kirk goes for who he assumes is the most dangerous: the captain. Picard deflects Kirk’s first blow and before Kirk can swing a second…Data hurls Kirk across the room. Kirk is dumbfounded at Data’s strength.

Spock is left facing Picard, Data and Worf. Spock deducts that Data is likely a robot and steers clear. Worf attacks! Spock darts to the side and uses Worf’s forward motion to launch him over a command console. Pacard moves closer to tackle Spock, but it only makes him vulnerable for the FSNP (Famous Spock Neck Pinch!) Pacard falls limply to the ground.

Worf recovers next to McCoy as he knocks La Forge unconscious. Worf backhands McCoy, propelling him backwards into Checkov. Checkov releases Riker as a result, who repays Scotty with an uppercut. Checkov turns to a charging Worf. He runs with both arms extended and tackles both Checkov and McCoy to the metal flooring. The collision knocks McCoy out. Checkov and Worf grabble with each other until Worf gets a hold of his neck.

Kirk comes to Scotty’s aid and together they overcome the already weakened Riker in time to face the threat of Worf. Spock regroups also. It is a sore Scotty, an angry Kirk and an unharmed Spock against an untouched Data and a wounded Worf. Now I pass it on to you. How do you see this battle coming to a close?

  • Daniel Montgomery
    The fact is the Next Generation has this battle won from the beginning because of their secret weapon, data. In combat, Data is superior to all other mentioned characters in reaction speed, strategy, strength, movement speed, and no fear/experience of pain or fatigue and only a calculated fear of death. So when you remove weapons from the equation, it would take a huge number of people to bring down Data just on his own. I say Data could take out the entire 1st generation crew by himself. Now where Data loses is strategic combat on a HUGE scale such as intergalactic war, where he could not possibly understand the effects and weight of emotion and how it can be used to manipulate people. Nor could he be effective on a spy mission/assassination attempt, due to his minimal acting skills. And then there's Worf, who would be the underdog but still have a feasible chance of also taking out the entire 1st generation crew by himself. So with no weapons allowed Picard's crew wins, there's no doubt.

    Also, Picard, though bound to a wheelchair, has immense telekinetic abilities and could kill anyone on the other crew just with his mind.
  • HellsColdDay
    With his mind?...but...I though...oh, nevermind.

    Very detailed answer that I totally agree with. Kirk could take the run-of-the-mill Next Gen officer as well as Picard, but Data could take anyone. Unless of course Spock could find his off switch...
  • Daniel Montgomery
    I'm only a standard class nerd (collects video games, favorite music: classical) so I'm no expert in Star Trek lore, but there may be some truth to the offswitch weakness for Data. Obviously, when creating an android with such intelligence and strength they would wire in some safety precautions in case he turned bad. So deep in Star Trek lore there probably is some emergency shut-off for Data. but I don't know what it is or how it works.
  • Will
    Spock suggests that this end now, knowing deep down that Data will most probably be the last android standing, but Worf doesn't listen to reason and rushes Spock in a Klingon rage, Kirk intercepts Worf and clips his legs breaking one of them and Worf and Kirk hit the ground in a grapple, Data moves in towards Spock and Spock asks Data if he is capable of pain. Data returns the answer, "I'm programed to experience it but I have disabled that program temporarily." Spock returns, "logical", then adds "perhaps you should re-enable it. I plan on doing something quite painful to you." Data pauses and shifts his head slightly and says " done, I have enabled it again, although I do not believe it will give you an advantage". At that moment Kirk jumps on Data's back while driving his knee into his lumbar, causing Data to quickly react to pull Kirk off, but Spocks hand is immediately on Data's neck and Data flips his head back towards Spock and falls to his knees, motionless. Spock says "Captain, I didn't think my attack would work on this android". Kirk replies, "I was trying to distract him so you could apply your vulcan grip but something strange happened, I felt my knee shift something in his back".

    Winner: Classic crew by sheer luck and teamwork.
  • HellsColdDay
    Nice ending Will, if not unlikely. I will agree that if luck was to help either team, it would be Kirk's.
  • Jimmy
    All the contestants line up to face one another. Picard tries to talk his way out of this. Kirk would just KO picard with one swing. Picard is out. Scotty yanks the visor off of LaForge. WIthout it Laforge is blind as a bat. Scotty also knocks out Laforge with one blow. So this leaves Data, Riker, and Worf alone against Chekov, scotty, mccoy, spock, and kirk. McCoy and Scotty both charge at Worf. Worf tries to get the two off of him. Riker tries to grab hold of spock and do a judo throw on him. Spock uses his nerve pinch and drops Riker on the spot. McCoy and Scotty are both thrown away by Worf. Kirk jumps kick Worf in the chest. Worf tries to do his mok bara moves on Kirk but the won't work when Kirk knees Worf in the groin. Worf bends over in pain. Kirk then dobule fist punches Worf in the back screaming I hate klingons. Chekov runs and punches Data. Data is unfazed. Chekov punches Data repeatedly in the abdomen. Chekov is then hurled to the other side of the room. McCoy go helps Chekov. Scotty and Spock keep Data preoccupied. Kirk jumps on Data and from his experience knows this is a android. Kirk yanks off the scalp and just pushes whatever buttons he can. Data then shuts down and falls to the floor. Chekov is injured. McCoy beams back with Chekov. Kirk, Spock, and scotty look at their defeated fows. KIrk gives a eulogy speech on how it's wrong to beat up the weak.
  • HellsColdDay
    Captain Log: StarDate Dec 5th,

    I learned today that randomly pressing Data's scalp buttons will either (a) Turn him off, (b) Make him angry, or (c) Eject a CD-ROM from where the sun don't shine.

    That is all.
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