Darkseid: Having an entire planet of minions that would happily “die for Darkseid,” I see no reason to the big bad to get his hands dirty. Send a squadron of parademons to Metropolis to grab some humans, preferably from the Daily Planet. Superman would appear and probably defeat some of them. Others would flee with hostages into a boom tube. Superman would follow. The boom tube would eject the kamikaze parademons, the human hostages, and Superman deep into a black hole’s event horizon. The gravity would be too intense for Superman to fly to safety.

Lex Luthor: Luthor usually works through others, and this time would be no different. He would arrange for Metallo to set up a bomb at a crowded Metropolis event and tip off Superman. Superman would either go to the bomb to absorb the potential explosion to protect the innocents or approach Metallo himself. The bomb is actually encased in kryprtonite and covered in lead, so when it explodes the radioactive shrapnel would be lodged into Superman’s flesh. Metallo’s usual kryptonite heart, is the same kind of bomb. No matter which course Superman takes, he would be exposed to kryptonite in such a way that he couldn’t get away. Luthor would also arrange for snipers armed with kryptonite bullets to open fire, although at this point, regular bullets might work. Metallo probably wouldn’t allows for his “heart” to be made into a bomb, so this would be a result of a double-cross, fail-safe plan on Luthor’s part.

Brainiac: I get that Luthor’s world-view and plain arrogance prohibits him from believing Superman could have a secret identity, but Braniac is (should be) smarter than that. Also, his technology should be able to track Superman’s location, hell, even Batman’s can. Brainiac could use the same technology he used to shrink Kandor, to shrink either the Fortress of Solitude or the Daily Planet while Superman is inside. In the comics, this procedure can take some time, but these are smaller targets then an entire city and all the preparations could be done in secret, underground, while Superman is far away. Once miniaturized, Brainiac could zap the either structure into the Phantom Zone. If the procedure could not be completed in secret, Brainiac could opt for luring Superman to his own ship and shrink it.

Think any of these would work? Assuming the JLA doesn’t come to the rescue, I think Supes would be toast. Feel free to discuss.

The concept of a metal man with a heart of kryptonite always sounded like a perfect Lex Luthor scheme, but as a recurring villain, Metallo seemed a bit weak. His powers have varied over the years, but not enough to keep him interesting.

I read Cyborg Superman comics before I read Superman comics. Back when Superman was dead, Cyborg Superman and three other false Supermen took over the four Super-titles. It was revealed that Cyborg Superman was evil when he destroyed Coast City, the home of Green Lantern Hal Jordan. This was my first “holy crap!” moment in comics. Needless to say, the Cyborg is my sentimental favorite.

Ground Rules: All three villains have been portrayed with differing power levels, so I will be clear for the purposes of this fictional fight. Parasite can absorb energy, especially life force energy, taking the powers of whoever he touches.

Metallo has a human brain and a body of an extremely strong metal alloy. He is powered by a heart of kryptonite which he can expose and focus into a beam. For a time he could morph his body and control anything mechanical, he can’t here. This is the classical Metallo.

Cyborg Superman, however, can morph his body and control anything mechanical. He is also half Kryptonian. I’m basing him off the current Cyborg Superman.

The area is, of course, Metropolis. A deserted Metropolis, don’t expect Superman to save the day.

Fight! Cyborg Superman scans the city from the skies with x-ray vision to find the fight has begun with out him. If not the fight, at least the chase. Metallo is pursuing Parasite off Main Street and down an alley. Beams of kryptonite radiation connect with Parasite, but do not drop him. Parasite’s attempts to leave obstacles in his path fail to keep Metallo’s bionic legs from gaining. Cyborg Superman waits until Metallo is on top of his prey for a clear shot at winning the battle in a single blast of heat vision.

Just as Metallo tackles Parasite to the ground, the entire area glows red hot. Metallo rolls over to shield himself from the fire in the sky, exposing Parasite to the worst of the blast. The smell of burning skin fills the air as Parasites’ purple body blackens, then begins to heal. With newfound strength, Parasite flips over Metallo toward the persisting heat wave and roasts him from all angles using the absorbed heat of his own. The metal skin does not melt, but Metallo can feel his brain slowly cooking. In a desperate attempt to get away, his arms piston to hurl Parasite into the sky toward the airborne attacker.

Cyborg Superman braces for impact with the living projectile, but doesn’t expect Parasite to enthusiastically latch onto him. The two fall out of the sky and crash onto the rooftop of the Daily Planet in a life-draining bear hug. Parasite knew he could not drain Metallo’s steel body, but he can absorb this half-kryptonian.

Cyborg Superman converts his mechanical arm to a circular saw slicing at the power-hungry Parasite. He then spins with super speed until the centrifugal force flings Parasite through the Planet’s globe. Cyborg Superman, no longer with the power of full flight, leaps from rooftop to rooftop until he escapes to street level.

On the ground Metallo watches Parasite follow the cyborg’s decent. Copying Cyborg Superman’s tactic, Metallo waits for the two combatants to again share the same space before activating the kryptonite beam to full power. Both Cyborg Superman and Parasite go down. Metallo’s belief that Parasite’s newfound power would come with newfound weakness proves true.

Cyborg Superman feels his current body failing and searches for a new mechanical shell to house his consciousness. He decides that the best choice is his attacker. Metallo feels control of his body slipping away until the cybernetic connections to his human brain are completely severed. Cyborg Superman continues use of the kryptonite beam as he breaks the Parasite’s neck.

Results: Cyborg Superman wins…in Metallo’s body. And the Daily Planet’s globe gets destroyed yet again.

The TWiT network’s NSFW Show recently did a Combatic-esque episode featuring Brian Brushwood, Justin Robert Young and the Totally Rad Show’s Jeff Cannata. They took viewers suggested heroes to face each other in viewer suggested challenges. Most scenarios were insanely mismatched, but they won me over when Batman and Optimus Prime were tasked with saving Mel Gibson’s marriage. Yeah, that happened.

Although I thought Firefly was the better show overall, Echo edges out River as the more interesting character.

Ground Rules: Both characters will face off at their most powerful as seen in their respective programs. Echo is aware of and has access to all her personalities and River is in control of her pychic abilities. The arena for this match-up is an empty bar room. Both women are unarmed, but the room is stocked with items that can be used as weapons. No guns are available.

Fight! Echo takes the initiative, going into a chain of jujitsu attacks. She is stunned to see each blow is systematically countered resulting in River using Echo’s momentum against her, hurling her over the bar. Echo rolls into a crouching position. She takes a wine bottle and breaks it on the floor, arming herself with a sharp weapon for River’s return.

River leaps onto the bar, taking the high ground. Echo lashes out with the glass dagger, but River sidesteps the attack. Echo comes to the conclusion that River somehow knows her mind so well that she can predict her attacks. She moves into a different personality to mix things up.
River kicks the bottle out of Echo’s hand after her second strike. Echo rolls out from behind the bar, leaps into a stance and takes up a stool for protection for River’s oncoming charge. Just before Echo goes for the stool, River slows her charge and hops down to go for a bar drawer full of knives.

Echo notes that her opponent wouldn’t have had time to change her charging tactic if she didn’t somehow know Echo would go for the stool before hand. The realization that River must be reading her thoughts comes just as a half-dozon blades narrowly miss her face.

Echo attempts to crowd her mind with as many active personalities as possible, shifting control constantly to confuse River’s psycic ability. It works. Echo’s next move of coming in low for a tackle was not foreseen and River goes down, fumbling her remaining two knives.

Echo grabs hold of both her opponent’s wrists and braces her to the ground. With a final head butt, River is knocked unconscious.

Results: Echo wins. River may have enough combat training to defeat your average warrior, but her main edge in battle is her ability to read minds. When Echo learned to throw her off with too many minds to read, Echo’s extensive combat skills base uploaded directly into her brain prevails.

Ground Rules: The fight takes place in the X-Men Danger Room without any obstacles. As the combatants are from different universes, they are unaware of each others’ powers and weaknesses until they are made evident. The X-Men line up is Wolverine, Cyclops, Colossus, Storm, Iceman, Jean Grey and Professor Xavier.

Fight! Wolverine gets a read on the Martian Manhunter as an alien threat similar to those the X-Men have met in the past, such as Gladiator. In an attempt to shut down the threat immediately or at least test the alien’s abilities for the others, he springs into action. While Wolverine pounces on MM, Cyclops calls for the X-Men to hold the line to protect Professor X.
The Manhunter swats Wolverine away before his claws had the chance to connect, hurling him into the far Danger Room wall. He then scans the minds of his attackers for weakness, noticing a strong mental presence in the woman called Jean Grey, when suddenly a psychic shadow falls over his mind. Professor X is attempting to take over his body. Martian Manhunter’s own telepathic abilities hold the attack at bay, but it distracts him from the physical onslaught of the remaining X-Men. Iceman condenses the air around the Manhunter’s legs, freezing him in place. Cyclops opens fire with his eye beams and Colossus rushes their trapped prey.

The trap doesn’t last long. Cyclops’ blast lets up to allow for Colossus to tackle the Manhunter, but MM turns immaterial just before the point of impact and Colossus fumbles right through the ghostly state. Martian Manhunter then goes from immaterial to invisible. He returns Cyclops’ eye beams with those of his own “Martian Vision.” Jean Grey telekinetically pushes Cyclops out of the path of the attack. Feeling Professor X’s mental power weighing on him, Martian Manhunter decides to make quick work of the rest of the team in order to disable Xavier. MM grabs the unexpecting Colossus by the ankle and hurls him towards the X-Men. The hit takes down Jean Grey and Iceman like bowling pins, leaving Professor X wide open to attack. MM primes to fire another blast towards Xavier when Wolverine sinks his claws into the Manhunter’s back.

Wolverine’s heightened sense of smell allowed him to locate his invisible foe, but he isn’t quite strong enough to dig his claws deep enough into Martian Manhunter’s super dense tissue to reach the heart. The Manhunter retaliates with spinning his body at super speed until Wolverine is flung out of him and into the shadows.

Colossus regains his footing to see the Manhunter shape-shifted to appear as Wolverine. Professor X warns Colossus of the shift, but the moments confusion is all Martian Manhunter needs to blast Xavier out of his wheelchair. Colossus stands with Cyclops and a quickly healing Wolverine to carry on the fight, but with Manhunter’s telepathic ability now freely available in him, they don’t stand a chance. Martian Manhunter invades their minds and makes them fight each other until they are weak enough to restrain.

Results: The Martian Manhunter wins. If the X-Men seemed a little slow on the uptake, envision this entire fight taking place in the span of a few moments. Martian Manhunter is the only fighter with super speed, so he could easily deal with multiple opponents. The only chance the X-Men really had was to discover the Manhunter’s fire vulnerability, but again that is hard to do in a manner or mere moments. Lucky for the Manhunter, Pyro is not a X-Man.

The two characters have a great deal in common–both are children with the fate of their kind resting on their shoulders. I have read the entire Ender series and have loved every book. I have read the Harry Potter series, but have never seen the films. It is hard to say which series stands out as my favorite, but my character bias leans toward the more conflicted and driven Ender Wiggin.

Ground Rules: The Goblet of Fire follows Harry into a series of trials that place him in a mindset that parallels Ender’s nicely. For my purposes the version of Harry with the skills and experience gained from this book and previous will be used. The Ender will be the one post Ender’s Game and before Speaker for the Dead. This will also allow the two combatants to be roughly the same age. Ender will not have the assistance of his friend and database intelligence, Jane. The surroundings will compliment Ender in that the arena is the Battle School’s gravity free training room complete with “astroids” for cover. Ender will have a blaster and Harry will have his wand. They enter the arena at opposite gates, neither with a clear view of the opposing gate.

Fight! Harry enters the room apprehensively. With all his broom flight experience, floating in Zero-G feels more like swimming than flying. The gate behind him closes and he is forced to step forward. Harry isn’t clear how to move, but knows that floating motionlessly makes him a target. Harry points to the asteroid ahead and exclaims “Engorgio!” The obstacle grows until it makes contact with the four walls and divides the room in two. The asteroid doesn’t completely segregate himself from his opponent, however. There are two openings between the walls and the asteroid that are still large enough for a boy to pass.

At this point Harry has drifted far enough to make contact with the giant asteroid. It occurs to him that he can push off the side of it for propulsion. He grabs hold and push upward sending him down to the “floor” of the room and near on of the openings. He points is ward back and forth to the two passages to the enemy’s gate.

Just then Ender shoots out of the far passage and flips over to survey the room. A string of light comes from Harry’s wand as he yells “Stupefy!” and gives away his location. The spell misses its target. Harry is amazed the boy can move so fast in this environment without a broom.

Ender fires two shots before landing on the wall of Harry’s gate and pushing off again. The first shot misses and the second clips Harry’s leg. Harry ducks into the passage to the other side for cover. Ender hurtles toward the giant boulder intending to push off at an angle for the kill shot when “Reducio!” the asteroid shrinks back to its original size and leaves Ender exposed in the air for the first time.

Harry takes aim slightly ahead of his drifting foe and says “Expelliarmus!” Ender’s weapon is flung from his hand. Ender grabs ahold of another asteroid for cover.

He spots his weapon floating out in the open directly above Potter. Ender figures that his opponent could easily retrieve the gun by either jumping to gather it or by some form of magic. Ender believes that the blaster is being used to bait him out from his safe haven. Forsaking his weapon, Ender kicks off the asteroid and reorients himself with the enemy gate. While Harry is focusing on his trap, pointing his wand at the gun, he is tackled by a quickly descending Ender from the opposite direction.

The two boys hurdle off the wall, Ender holding Potter in a half-Nelson. Harry begins a spell, but Ender rips the wand out of his opponent’s hand. Harry turns in an attempt to kick Ender in the groin, but their bodies are pulled too close for any leverage. Ender deflects Harry’s last effort to push away and head butts Potter with all his strength, knocking him unconscious.

Results: Ender wins. One might say having them fight at the Battle School was an unfair advantage for Ender, but having them fight anywhere else with Harry able to use his want would also be unfair. I imagine any fight with both boys totally unarmed would end with Ender as the last boy standing.

Ground Rules: Neither party in this fight wants to harm innocents, so the fight will take place in an abandoned Metropolis. All characters will have the tools and weapons generally carried on their person. As Manhattan doesn’t have pockets…or pants…this applies mostly to the Justice League.

Fight! The Flash immediately takes off to run a perimeter around the city. Superman scans the area with x-ray and telescopic vision. Martian Manhunter turns invisible and takes to the sky. The Flash and Superman convey to Batman, Wonder Woman and Green Lantern their recon intelligence via Martian Manhunter’s telepathic link. They learn that Dr. Manhattan is walking at a steady pace in their direction from about a block away. Green Lantern’s ring determines Dr. Manhattan power level to be “above the readable level.” Superman and Wonder Woman fly to Manhattan’s position with the rest of the team watching concealed.

Dr. Manhattan sees how this conflict will end and acts accordingly. Manhattan raises his hand and Superman is teleported to the moon. The Flash bolts to the scene with Wonder Woman’s unbreakable lasso and does donuts around Manhattan. Green Lantern encases the now tied foe in an emerald tomb. Manhattan grows, increasing his size ten fold and shattering GL’s construct. The lasso holds, but it is stretched to capacity. Noticing, the lasso’s limitations, Manhattan dematerializes and rematerializes directly in front of Wonder Woman. She roundhouse kicks Manhattan with all her might, causing him to fumble backward and her leg to burn. A green dinosaur appears to take advantage of Manhattan state and eats him whole. Green Lantern smiles with this apparent victory.

It is a short lived victory as the green dinosaur turns blue just before Manhattan blows it apart. Manhattan glances at the source of the beast and turns Lantern’s power ring into harmless steel. Green Lantern falls from the sky and is caught in an air pocket formed by a vortex of Flash’s creation.

Batman informs the team telepathically that Manhattan is too powerful and they need to break off the assault and come up with a viable plan. The League begins to fall back when Green Lantern and the Flash are vaporized. Wonder Woman lashes out in anger and charges Manhattan. She is also vaporized. Batman, now forced to commit to battle, suggests a psychic attack to Martian Manhunter.

Dr. Manhattan looks to Batman, then pauses as his mind is infiltrated. Manhattan fights to alter his own brain waves to a frequency immune to the Martian’s attack. Just then Superman returns from space and rams into Manhattan at Mach 10, knocking him deep within the Earth’s crust. Superman and Martian Manhunter use their heat vision to melt the stone around him. The one Manhattan struggles to free himself from the molten rock while three more Dr. Manhattans appear, each facing one of the remaining leaguers..

Superman punches and swipes the closest Manhattan at such speeds that Manhattan dissipates from the vibration. Martian Manhunter phase shifts to avoid an attack of the second Manhattan, but that Manhattan matches the shift and connects with his second attempt and vaporizes his target.

Watching Superman’s success, Batman employs a sonic gun from his belt in hopes of vibrating away the approaching Manhattan. Before he fires, the weapon becomes inert and Batman vaporizes.

The remaining Manhattans unify into one being to stand against Superman. With a wave of a hand, Superman disappears.

Results: Dr. Manahattan wins.

I do admit, the Mario titles were more fun to play. Super Mario 3 was the best game of its day. Even now, the Mario game for the DS is one of my favorite titles. Mario also was the first to lead me into a digital 3-D world with Mario 64, which is still one of my all-time favorite games.

Ground rules: Each character can use a wide variety of powers based on power-ups. It wouldn’t be fair to put Mario up against a Mega Man with full access to all the various boss power-ups across all his titles, so I will limit his powers to those available in the classic Mega Man 2. Likewise, Mario will have the abilities he sported in Super Mario 3. No dinosaurs or robot dogs allowed. The arena is similar to the first level of Super Mario Bros. sans baddies.

Fight! Mario uses a mushroom right out the gates to become Super. Mega Man jumps onto the highest green pipe to survey the land. He spots Super Mario and fires his blaster. The first shots miss the target due to the great distance between them. Super Mario takes cover behind bricks where he finds a kopa shell.

Mega Man takes control of Air Man’s power and uses a gust of wind to blow his rival out of his hiding spot. At first the wind isn’t strong enough, but Mega Man keeps pushing until a small tornado forms. Super Mario launches the kopa shell into the tornado and watches it sling shot directly toward Mega Man. The shell’s impact knocks Mega Man off the pipe as he loses Air Man’s power.

Pushing his advantage, Super Mario takes the high ground of the pipe and leaps onto Mega Man who accesses Wood Man’s power for defense. Super Mario is deflected off of the leaf shield and now on level ground with his adversary. Never missing a beat, he become Fire Mario with a pick of a flower and hurls three fireballs into the leaf shield. The shield ignites and Mega Man is forced to discard it.

Seeing no way to completely avoid taking damage in the enclosed area between pipes, Mega Man takes the next round of fireballs to the body, but not before connecting a Crash Man bomb to the pipe behind Fire Mario.

The bomb explodes taking the pipe and Mario’s Fire power with it. The two face off in close combat, both needing a power-up. Mario takes on the Taokkie Suit and spins his newfound tail towards Mega Man–who is already out of reach. Quick Man’s speedy powers have once again put a distance between them. Taokiee Mario withdraws to the sky, Mega Man fires upon him with his plasma cannon. Taokie Mario turns to stone to shield himself from the blast, which also causes him to fall from flight.

Mega Man can think of no way to harm Mario in his solid state, so he decides to keep him that way. Using Flash Man’s ability to freeze time, Mario is unable to transform from his stoney self.

Results: Mega Man wins by immobilizing his opponent indefinitely. No doubt Mario will make a fine conversation piece in Dr. Light’s trophy room.

Personal bias: I watched I Dream of Jeannie as a child, and I liked the show until I outgrew it. The bickering between her and Major Nelson became too much for me. It was also far too unbelievable. I could never see how they could have so many problems when she could fix everything so effortlessly. The movie Beetlejuice actually scared me at first, especially the séance scene. The character played the line between creepy and funny quite well. Of course, the nerd in me will always side with Mxy and Q as my picks of this bunch.

Fight! The only character not confident in their own power level in this fight is Jeannie, who will first attempt to find Major Nelson for guidance. She blinks and disappears. Q is generally disgusted with Beetlejuice’s appearance and turns him into a goat. Beetlejuice stays in goat form and slithers out a forked tongue a mile long that wraps tightly around Q. Q vanishes out of the trap.

Mxy uses his magic to command the ground to swallow up the goat. Q returns after convincing Jeannie that in defeating Mxy and Beetlejuice, she will be reunited with Nelson.

The goat bits its way back to the surface and grows ten stories tall. It’s tail whips Q and Jeannie out of the way as it stomps on Mxy. Mxy dies. Jennie blinks an enormous cage around the giant goat. Beetlejuice reclaims is normal form and escapes between the bars of the gate. Jeannie blinks and he is frozen in glass. Q, satisfied that Beetlejuice has been dispatched, turns on Jeannie. He tells her he will banish Nelson unless she gives up her powers. Jeannie pouts, then complies. Q makes Jeannie disappear.

Q’s victory is cut short as Beetlejuice turns the glass into sand and digs his way out. Mxy materializes between them, now knowing the secrets of the Netherworld. Mxy exclaims “Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice” and sends him to the realm of the sandworms.

After watching how easily Mxy dealt with Beetlejuice, Q becomes worried. He is not used to dealing with anyone this powerful other than fellow Qs. The battle wages on with the more imaginative devices of victory coming from Mxy. They freeze time at one point so that the remainder of the battle takes place between two ticks of a second.Eventually, the doubt in Q’s mind settles and he comes to term with the idea that they may well fight to an eternal stale mate. The same thought occurs to Mxy. So, he asks me to write him in as the winner.

Results: Mr. Mxyzptlk wins by request. Beatlejuice’s power comes from being a ghost, so he is still bound to the Netherworld. Jeannie’s power comes from being a genie, so she is bound to her master in both love and genie code and must do what is best for him. Q’s power comes from the Q Continuum, which is still bound to the universe. Mxy’s power comes from magic, but more importantly, the 5th Dimension. His extra dimensional nature isn’t bound by the 4 Dimensional universe. This allows him to bypass taking part in the story and interact directly with the writer. So he won.

The earlier Bat flicks had more of a fantasy element. There were conscious penguins, healing cats, and a brain-draining Riddler. (I’m pretending Batman & Robin didn’t happen.) This Batman could do stunts that wouldn’t work in the real world in order to deal with his more supernatural rogues gallery.
Adam West pioneered the character in a more light-hearted fashion. He was just as concerned about teaching lessons to his boy companion as he was about saving Gotham. The dark motives behind the character seemingly ignored as he played a role more cop than vigilante.

To give you an idea of what the comic book’s Batman is capable of, I give you his most recent story line. Bruce countered an attack on his psyche by preparing a back-up consciousness to save himself. (See Batman R.I.P.) He then single handedly saw through an illusion created by evil Gods meant to steal his memories and confronted the most powerful alien/God/villain in Superman’s universe and shot him for enslaving the majority of the human race. Dying, temporarily, in the process.

That said, if I put Nolan’s vision of Batman against Adam West, Bale would kick ass. (Unless West used an anti-Christian Bale spray from his utility belt.) However, if the Batman who is accustomed to leading the Justice League faced off against a doppleganger, he would find a way to win against any Bats from the silver screen.

An explanation as to why I am usually specific in my choices. That is all.